Stanford law Professor Norm Spaulding shares six tips for understanding what your conversation partner is trying to convey, inspired by advice from the nonprofit organization Center for Creative Leadership.
1. Pay full attention
“Being able to give full attention is just an incredible gift to humanize the person you’re communicating with, and that alone can sometimes have a de-escalating effect,” Spaulding said. To show you are paying attention, nonverbal cues also matter. Some of the ways people can demonstrate they are engaged include nodding, maintaining eye contact, and removing distractions.
2. Suspend judgment
Judgment is about imposing meaning and preconceived beliefs onto a situation.
“To suspend judgment is to open yourself up to the beautiful aspect of learning something new and understanding more deeply the mistakes that you are making,” Spaulding said.
Moreover, Spaulding added that first impressions can sometimes be wrong. “Once we start judging, we interpret new facts in the light of our first reaction,” Spaulding said. Social scientists call this “confirmation bias,” and it can distort perspective and, in turn, an entire conversation.
3. Pause and reflect
Reflecting is connecting with the speaker’s experience on a deeper level, Spaulding said. It brings together analysis with empathy in an effort to find what the Pakistani-British writer Moshin Hamid described as “echoes of another person in yourself.”
Reflecting can be particularly challenging when facing ideas antithetical to one’s own. However, this is precisely when reflection can be most transformative for communication, Spaulding said.
4. Ask clarifying questions
Clarifying is critical, Spaulding said. Even if you think you’ve understood, this is your chance to gain further understanding.
Instead of responding to what someone shares with a statement, Spaulding suggests asking an open-ended question, such as: “What are some other examples?” or “How did you become interested in this issue?”
5. Summarize
Also sometimes called “looping,” this tells the other person that you understood both what they said and the intention behind it.
“The key is not to give your own conclusion or views but rather try to faithfully describe the essence of what the other person has been trying to say and to summarize it in a way that they would say, ‘That’s exactly what I meant,’” Spaulding said, noting that doing so fosters connection and trust.
6. Share
This is the final step. After you’ve confirmed that you’ve correctly understood what your conversation partner has said, it’s your turn.
“In some contexts, friendship and sometimes in mentoring, this might be the moment where you just thank someone for sharing, or start to offer some advice, or you share your perspective or an experience that connects,” Spaulding said.
“Stanford University, officially Leland Stanford Junior University, is a private research university in Stanford, California. The campus occupies 8,180 acres, among the largest in the United States, and enrols over 17,000 students.”
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